On the Care and Maintenance of Human Bodies by SU and CM
by Dragon Elexus
Summary: If you're an ageless magical space gemstone, accidentally switching bodies with a human teenager can come as a huge shock. But thankfully, this excellent how-to guide has your back! With advice on such essential topics such as 'organic bodily functions', 'pain management' and 'social faux pas avoidance', this title is a must for anyone trying to navigate humanity!
1. Lesson One: Don't Panic

' _On the Care and Maintenance of Human Bodies_ ' by Steven Universe and Connie Maheswaran

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If you're an ageless magical space gemstone, accidentally switching bodies with a human teenager can come as a huge shock. But thankfully, this excellent how-to guide has your back! With advice on such essential topics such as 'organic bodily functions', 'pain management' and 'social _faux pas_ avoidance', _'On the Care and Maintenance of Human Bodies_ ' is a must for anyone trying to navigate the confusing world of organic life!

Related Titles: ' _How Not To Kill Anyone (Including Yourself!) With Newly Received Gem Powers_ ' and ' _Super-Heroics for Newbies_ '.

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 **Lesson One:** Don't Panic

The day started out fairly normally for the Crystal Gems- with them chasing after an wild gem monster across the otherwise peaceful landscape outside of Beach City. The monster in question resembled a ferret, if ferrets were larger than horses, had legs like gazelles and were faster than cheetahs. _Much faster_.

The Crystal Gems had been trying to catch this particular creature for nearly forty minutes now, and it was begin to get on their nerves. The first twenty minutes of the chase had actually been pretty entertaining. The creature had acted almost playful, scampering up and down the beach by the Temple, gleefully dodging every attack thrown at, goading it's opponents on. Then it had apparently tired of the game, and losing interest, charged off down the coast, forcing the Gems into a high-speed pursuit. No matter what the Gems did, it always managed to keep a few steps ahead, eluding all attempts to capture it.

Steven was feeling...pretty useless. These days he felt like a proper member of the team, at least for the most part. Not as powerful as the rest, of course, but still able to contribute in his own way. Right now, not so much. The older Gems were only just able to keep up with the ferret monster, but Steven was painfully slow in comparison. As it was, the Gems had resorted to taking turns carrying the boy under arm. He wasn't completely sure why they were bothering. He was usually able to help out in the form of shields and bubbles, but the ferret had zero interest in attacking, so there was nothing for Steven to defend **against**.

He _had_ had the idea of jumping onto the ferret-monster's back, hoping that he could activate his bubble once he landed, trapping them both inside. But Pearl had seen just as Amethyst had been about to throw him, freaked out, and put a stop to that particular plan. (A small part of Steven conceded that this was probably for the best- he'd never created a bubble that large before). He'd been handed over to Garnet, since Pearl trusted that _she_ wouldn't start flinging him towards random enemies at the slightest provocation.

The speed of the chase was exhilarating- at first. Then the novelty wore off a bit, taking on the air of a long-distance car trip. The endless running had become monotonous, and the thrill of the battle had subsided as his friends failed to do anything more than graze the monster with their attacks. Steven was trying his best to keep his teammates amped up, but he could tell that his shouts of " _good try_ " and " _you'll get it next time!_ " were becoming annoying as opposed to encouraging.

In fact, it seemed as though Steven had finally pushed the Gems' patience too far when Garnet suddenly said, " _Be quiet_."

But before Steven could start feeling too bad, Garnet, still running, had turned around to the other two Gems and pressed a finger to her lip. It wasn't just an order directed at him; she was sushing them _all_.

Garnet didn't lose speed, but when the ferret's path began to head back down the latest hill's slop, towards the water, she didn't follow, instead sticking to the high-ground. Considering how fast the creature was, this could easily have given it the chance to escape them; but Amethyst and Pearl trusted the fusion's judgement, and didn't hesitate to follow. They continued to take Garnet's lead, even as this new path took them through tall, thick grasses which made movement difficult and slowed them down considerably. Those grasses scratched at Steven's face, but he didn't complain, instead just keeping his eyes closed until he felt them draw to a stop.

Garnet crouched, and placed the child gently onto the ground besides her. From behind them came the crackle of snapping grass, and after a moment the other two caught up. They find themselves standing on the edge of a cliff, overlooking a beach below. From this angle, they have an excellent view, and are able to see the Gem monster, which is already a full twenty more feet along. But instead of racing ahead, widening the gap ever further, the creature was actually _slowing_ down. More than slowing down, in fact; after looking cautiously around, and failing to see the Gems in pursuit anymore, it actually stopped and _sat_ down.

Garnet pointed directly downwards; when the Gems leaned over, they could just see a dark recess in the wall of the craggy cliff. In a hushed voice Garnet said, "This is where the creature appears to have made a den of sorts."

"Are you proposing an ambush?" Pearl asked.

Garnet nodded. "We wait until it lets it's guard down, then we take it out before it can gain any speed."

"Sounds good to me," muttered Amethyst, digging her hands into the dirt out of anticipation. Usually she finds ambushes boring, but at this point she was so sick of the endless running that she was willing to try _anything_ different.

Steven scanned the beach. It was more like a thin strip of sand than anything, bordered by high cliffs and curving gently into the distance. There wasn't really not a lot of move to manoeuvre, which was good for them. Furthermore, at least one of the monster's possible escape routes is at least partially blocked...by a van, parked yet another sixty-or-so feet down the beach. Though, honestly, a single van wasn't going to do a lot to discourage a rampaging Gem monster. And where there was a vehicle, there were human civilians, which posed it's own set of problems.

"There are people down there," Steven pointed out. And not just any people, he realized. The car below was recognizable as the Fish Stew Pizza van, and the distant figures moving around it turned out to be Jenny Pizza, Buck Dewey and Sour Cream, out on one of their usual excursions.

The others saw them too. "We won't let them get hurt," Garnet assured him.

Steven nodded. It wasn't that he didn't believe her- he knew that the Gems have had a lot of practice with keeping people (if not their property) safe. It's just hard _not_ to be concerned for his friends, especially since it was mostly his fault for nearly getting them vaporized by Peridot's escape pod during their last encounter with Gem-stuff.

The boy forced himself to focus on the present. No point thinking about what _could_ have happened, right?

That turned out to be easier said than done, however. It turned out that ambushes involved a _lot_ of waiting, with very little in the way of distractions, leaving Steven alone with his thoughts. They couldn't talk, in case the creature below heard them and was spooked. For a long while, Steven entertained himself by watching the Gem monster lounging on the beach. It was actually rather pretty, Steven thought. It's long, slender body was elegant, and was covered in a glossy red fur which almost looked like fire when it caught the sunlight just right. He sorta wished that they didn't have to bubble it, but of course that isn't an option. _It_ was the one which had showed up at the Temple. _It_ was the one which snapped up the gem belonging to another recently-pooed monster from right under their noses. _It_ started this, not them.

Watching the creature got boring pretty quickly; it didn't do anything more interesting than occasionally shift position or preen it's fur. Steven turned his attention to the cool kids for a while- watched Jenny snapping photos with her phone, Sour Cream splashing in the shallows once it became clear that the monster was ignoring them. He couldn't help but wish he could join them. They were a little too far away away though, and watching them for too long made his eyes ache. He started up a silent game of tic-tak-toe with Amethyst, scratching crosses and circles in the dirt with their fingers. Amethyst kept trying to cheat, but he didn't mind- he was used to her antics.

Eventually the creature stood back up, stretched, and retreated into the rocky alcove, out of the sunlight. Steven nearly fell off the cliff as he inched forward to try and keep it in his line of sight (Pearl caught him by the back of his shirt). The Crystal Gems watched as the creature settled back down- but into a rather odd position, with it's stomach still exposed. It brought one of it's forelegs to it's belly, then dug into the pouch it had there. It then withdrew the sparkling silver gemstone- the one which had set off this whole chase in the first place.

That Gem had belonged to a creature in it's own right; a giant hummingbird which had been drawn to the power of the Temple. It had not been a particularly difficult monster to defeat, but before any of them had been able to pick up and bubble it's remains, out of nowhere the ferret had rushed in, plucked the gemstone up, then rushed off. It was clear now that the silver stone was the newest addition to an already sizable collection. Using long, finger-like claws, the ferret began to draw out a number of other sparkling objects from it's pouch.

"How many has it _got_?" Amethyst whispered after the creature had laid out over ten objects.

"It's not _just_ Gems," Garnet pointed out in an equally quiet voice. Steven, still being held out over the cliff's edge, looked closer, and saw that she was right. While a couple of the ferret's other objects did appear to be genuine gems (one pale purple in colour, the other a dull green), the other things it had pulled out weren't. There was what looked like disused hub-cap, a tangled up set of wind-chimes, a sparkly sea-shell, an old Sprite can.

"It's confused. It can't recognize true Gems," Pearl speculated, a thoughtful expression on her face. "It's just collecting anything that's shiny."

"Like a magpie," said Steven.

"Exactly."

"It's still managed to steal some _actual_ Gems," reminded Garnet. "We can't let it escape with them- especially not if those Gems regenerate."

The rest of the team nodded in agreement. They discussed their plan in low voices, and once the monster seemed to be sufficiently distracted as it inspected it's collection, they moved out. They scaled down the cliff, Steven riding on Pearl's back like a baby koala. They spread out across the cliff-face, Garnet moving right, Pearl and Steven going left, and Amethyst positioning herself directly above the monster's lair. The ferret remained blissfully unaware of their approach- but the teenagers hanging out down the beach **did** notice them. They began waving and pointing, and were close enough now that their shouts could clearly be heard, if not understood. Steven felt Pearl's body tense as the humans screened. On the cliff, all the Gems froze, afraid that the teenagers' calls might have alerted the creature below. Thankfully, the corrupted Gem must have decided that the humans were unimportant, and paid their sudden excitement no mind. The Crystal Gems still had the element of surprise.

They weren't going to waste it.

Amethyst reached the top of the alcove's mouth an clung there like a bat, ready to drop down at any moment. The others reached the ground not long after. Pearl deposited Steven on the sand, then motioned for him to follow her lead. She pressed herself the craggy wall and began moving stealthily and silently towards the beast's lair, the boy right behind her. On the other side of the cave's mouth, Garnet did the same. In less than a minute they had converged, and they were ready.

A silent signal passed between them, and they struck.

Garnet and Pearl darted out in front of the cave, drawing in their weapons, the latter releasing an ear-splitting war-cry. The ferret screamed too, in surprise and terror, rearing up on it's hind legs. Garnet surged forward, and the creature just barely managed to dodge the strike, the fusion's gauntlet just brushing the beast's side. With one forepaw it reached for it's scattered collection, desperately trying to scoop everything back into it's belly pouch. This distracted it long enough that Pearl was able to land a solid blow, spear embedding itself in the monster's shoulder. The ferret yowled in pain. The moment it's collection was secured, it sprung, hoping to run out of the cave and take off for freedom.

That's when Amethyst dropped. She landed right in the middle of it's shoulder blades. The creature bucked, trying to throw her off; Amethyst let out a wild " _YE-HAW_!". She wrapped one arm around the monster's neck, and grabbed Pearl's spear with the other hand, refusing to be dislodged.

It appeared that the ferret was still intending to run off, unwanted passenger or not. So Steven rushed in, jumping at the creature and grabbing onto it's tail. It hissed, and tried to shake him off as well; he held on desperately, determined to do his duty as a dead-weight, no matter what.

As a tactic, it wasn't that effective- but it did give Garnet enough time to flank the ferret's side, cutting off it's escape and landing a devastating punch. With the force of the impact, the ferret went flying...

...with the side-effect that Steven went flying as well. Though Amethyst miraculously still managed to cling to the creature's back, the half-human was thrown a good fifteen feet down the beach, half-burying himself in the sand. He grunted in pain and did his best to climb back to his feet.

"Steven!" three voices cried out in unison. The cool kids, who until then had been keeping a wary distance from the fight, had rushed over to make sure their young friend was okay.

"I'm fine, I'm fine," he said hurriedly as Buck helped him back to his feet. And he _was_ \- he'd taken much harder falls before. "But I've got to get back- we can't let that thing get away-"

"It's fast," reflected Sour Cream, watching the battle which was still raging. This was an understatement. Even now, despite it's injuries, the monster was still moving swiftly, dodging the majority of it's enemies' attacks. The only once managing to get any significant damage in was Amethyst, who was still doggedly clinging to it's back like a champion bull-rider, and beating relentlessly at it. The only reason the ferret hadn't already tore off down the beach was that it didn't have enough room to gain sufficient speed.

The three teenagers between the battle, to the boy rushing off to join, and themselves- then took off after him.

"What are you doing?" Steven cried once he noticed. "It's not safe!"

"For us, or for you?" asked Buck.

"Yeah, dude," said Sour Cream, jogging at his side. "No offence, but you're like, ten."

"But I'm half-Gem! I have _super-powers_!"

"That doesn't mean you couldn't use some help," insisted Sour Cream.

"And as long as your moms don't try and punch me again, I'm down," said Jenny. "We can be distractions."

Steven knew when he was beaten. "Okay!" he said, picking up speed once more. "Just run around in circles and distract it! And be careful!"

And honestly, as far as distractions went, the cool kids were pretty good. The ferret-monster was surprised by the sudden appearance of three new opponents, providing the Crystal Gems extra opportunity to attack. And this particular Gem monster wasn't particularly aggressive anyway- the humans just had to stay out of it's range, and it was pretty easy for them to dodge the few counter attacks it _did_ try to make. The teenagers were clever, shouting and screaming at just the right moments to divide it's attention, doing their best to overwhelm it's senses. When they saw Steven grabbing fistfuls of sand and throwing it at the ferret's face, hoping to blind it, they caught on quickly and started doing the same thing. Soon it could barely see anything.

The ferret had withstood being hit with fists, and whips, and spears, but sand was the last straw. It knew it had to escape, and quickly. It put all it's remaining energy into a final desperate escape attempt. It rushed directly at the cliff-face, breaking to the side at the last moment, and scraping alongside it- Amethyst screamed, and was finally dislodged. Garnet was preparing to leap in and take her place, but the ferret tossed her aside with a swipe of it's whip-like tail. Then it began to charge, gaining speed, rushing blindly past the three teenagers, leaping over Pearl's head and coming directly at Steven...

"Oh no you don't," Pearl hissed fiercely. The Gem warrior had her spear in hand; instead of throwing it, she aimed it directly upwards at the creature leaping above her head. She released a bright bolt of energy, and hit it directly in the stomach.

Her intent had been to throw the ferret straight up into the air, breaking it's momentum, preventing it's escape. It was a solid plan, and it would have worked, too- if it hadn't been for the belly pouch. Pearl's shot hit it directly, and that blast of pure energy reacted violently with the collection of magical and mundane artifacts held within.

It exploded.

The explosion radiated outwards like a lotus, the light expanding like petals of purples and greens and silvers and whites. The light was blinding. The sound was deafening.

It happened so quickly- there was hardly any time to react. Pearl was just able to roll backwards and escape the brunt of the explosions. The others, humans and Gems alike, threw themselves to the ground. Steven's bubble appeared automatically around him- he was too far away to shield anyone else, even though he desperately wanted to-

The shock-wave hit moments later. The pink bubble was thrown backwards by the force of it. It was dizzying and chaotic; Steven couldn't see what happened. Once it was over, he found himself somewhere floating off the shore, still cocooned safely in his bubble. He shook his head, trying to dispel the ringing in his ears- it didn't help. He looked towards the shore, trying to get a glimpse of his friends. With a small pop his bubble vanished, and he fell into the water with a splash. He hadn't been thrown very far out, thankfully. It didn't take long for the boy to splash and scramble his way back to the shore.

There wasn't any smoke to make the search difficult. The air was just laced with a smell like ozone and lemons, and the only sign that there had been an explosion at all was the radiating pattern in the sand, the scattered remains of the now poofed ferret's collection, and the bodies.

They weren't dead bodies, Steven realized quickly, with a surge of relief. They weren't even unconscious. By the time he'd gotten back to the beach, his friends (humans and Gems alike) were already beginning to sit up, groaning with pain.

He waved towards his family, mostly to assure them that he was okay, and made a beeline to his human friends. He knew that the Crystal Gems would be fine- they hadn't been poofed or anything- but he was genuinely concerned for the teenagers, who didn't have the same supernatural hardiness. His concern appeared to be justified as he approached the prone Sour Cream, who's skin was covered in an alarming red. When he got closer, though, he realized that it wasn't blood or anything really scary like that, just a burn. Not a serious one either. It looked like an ordinary sunburn, more irritating than really painful.

"Are you alright?" he still asked, squatting besides the blonde teenager. He wanted to make sure, especially since Sour Cream hadn't even sat up yet.

Upon hearing the boy's voice, Sour Cream did pull himself into a sitting position, and blinked blearily at him. "Yes, I'm fine," he said. "Just a little...er, sore. Don't worry."

"...Okay," Steven said. He wasn't completely convinced, since the DJ sounded kind of _off_ , but he wanted to go and check on the others.

The other two were already standing up- or attempting to, in Jenny's case. She must have been pretty dizzy, because the effort merely caused to fall right back down onto her butt. On the bright side, neither she nor Buck seemed to be as burned as Sour Cream was- a combination of their darker skin tones, and being farther away from the blast, no doubt.

"I'm fine," Buck assured him, before becoming distracted by something.

"My legs are being _weird_ ," Jenny complained as she tried to get up once again.

By then Buck was frowning- and apparently not because of Sour Cream's burn or Jenny's continued difficulty standing. His concern seemed to be coming from something in the distance behind Steven, which was staring at half-Gem was just beginning to turn in order to try and follow the teen's gaze, when an unexpected sound pierced the air.

"What. The. _Fuck_." Garnet's voice said.

Steven spun, gaping. Garnet had just said a _swear word_. A _really_ bad on, too. He could hardly believe it.

He expected Amethyst to start yelling in amazement, and Pearl to start yelling with anger, but neither of them reacted that way at all. The shorter Gem was just staring down at herself, a blank look of shock on her face. "Why...am I... _purple_?"

And Pearl, meanwhile, was staring over at Steven- or, more accurately, at the humans next to him. Eventually he just said, "Woah. Trippy."

And that was when a horrible suspicion snuck up on Steven Universe.

He turned back towards the 'humans' behind him. 'Sour Cream' was still sitting in the sand, forehead held in his hand- not to clutch at it, like when somebody has a headache or anything. He was just running his hand over the forehead, feverishly feeling for contours that just weren't there. 'Jenny' had finally managed to stand on her tall legs, but had begun vaguely poking at the center of her chest. 'Buck', meanwhile, was staring at the open palms of his hands with scarcely disguised shock.

Steven gulped.

"Garnet...Amethyst...Pearl...Is that _you_?"

Garnet rose her now-human head and stared at the boy through sunglasses which were not her own, then said, "I'm afraid so."

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 **Author's Note:** You can blame this one on a piece of fanart I saw floating around months ago of an outfit swap between the Crystal Gems and the Cool Kids. It's not beta'd or anything, but I still hope you enjoy it.


	2. Lesson Two: Getting Your Bearings

_**Lesson Two:** Getting Your Bearings_

Once the full understanding of their situation finally set in, there was no panic. Everybody seemed too overwhelmed to panic.

And disoriented. Steven had to help Pearl to her (or rather, Sour Cream's) feet, and even then she was still unsteady on them. Everybody was, actually- unsteadiness was a natural consequence of being thrown into a body where none of the proportions were quite what you expected them to be. One might have expected that the shape-shifting Gems would have had a leg-up in this situation, but that was quickly proved wrong. Deliberate shape-shifting was quite a different thing to waking up in the wrong body, and even Amethyst had never actually taken on the form of a proper, fully-functional human. They came with all these odd, inconvenient bits that Gems, by and large, just didn't bother with, and none of them were prepared for the dizziness and nausea that came with them. Add in the shifting sand beneath their feet, and it's no surprise that the formerly-human teenagers got the hang of their new bodies much faster. While the aliens were still struggling to get coordinated, the teens were able to make their way across the beach for a closer look.

"Wow," Buck said, staring down at his vacated body. "I'm short."

"I've been shorter," Garnet said, apparently looking for a bright-side to focus on.

Jenny was shaking her head furiously, sending Amethyst's long white hair flying everywhere. She pushed it out of her face impatiently. "I can't believe this. I mean, I've gotta be dreaming."

"Yes, a dream!" said Pearl, too loudly. She threw up her hands in a very un-Sour Cream way. "Exactly! This is just a messed up movie!"

"...I don't think so," Steven said. This didn't feel like any dream **he'd** ever had before, magical or mundane. But it was still very weird.

"How could this have happened?!" exclaimed Amethyst, poking once more at where her Gem normally sat.

Jenny went and swatted the hand away- but with more force than intended, causing Amethyst to wince in pain. "Ow."

"Sorry!" Jenny said, genuine concern and surprise at her own strength briefly wiping the irritation from her face. But it was merely a temporary distraction from the reality of the situation. "But stop doing that!"

"Why?"

"W- why? Because it's weird, that's why! That's my chest you're poking at! And don't you two-" she said, sending a warning glare at the bodies of Buck and Sour Cream, "say a thing."

"Uh. Jenny. Over here." Sour Cream waved one of Pearl's hands helpfully.

"Oh. Right."

Sour Cream shrugged. His hand dropped back to his side. He didn't seem to know where to put it without pockets. A strained silence stretched.

"Pearl?" Garnet finally prompted.

Pearl had seemed as though she was almost on the verge of a panic attack, her breathing having grown dangerously shallow, but Garnet's authoritative tone- even in Buck's voice- cut through her hysteria. She suddenly recalled her recent resolution made aboard the ancient Gem space-ship, and she she took a long breath, composing herself.

"I don't know for sure," she began. "I can't recall anything like this having happened before; it's completely unprecedented. I can only speculate that all those Gems and human objects being hit with with the energy from my spear's blast...it must have caused some kind of unforeseen magical reaction, resulting in us swapping bodies."

"No, duh," muttered Buck, earning glares from both Pearl and Amethyst. The guy looked away, backing down. It was very disconcerting, seeing those expressions aimed at him from his best friends' faces.

Steven could feel the tension building, and was eager to dissipate it. "So, uh...is there any way to fix it?"

That pulled Pearl's attention back. "Theoretically," she said. "If we can recreate a magical energy emission of the exact same frequency of the original reaction."

"...does that mean 'make another explosion'?" asked Amethyst.

Pearl nodded. "Simply put, yes. It can't be any explosion, but rather a replication of the original. So we must gather up up all the items which were exposed to the initial blast, and then-"

It was at that moment, that out of the corner of their eyes, the group noticed a bright red glow, growing in intensity.

"Wha-?" began Sour Cream as he and the others turned towards the source of the light. The Crystal Gems, however, already understood.

Being at the very epicentre of the explosion had ripped the ferret monster's body apart, forcing it to retreat back into it's gem to heal. While it's confused and disoriented attackers had been busy, trying to make sense of their strange situation, it's red gem had laid in the sand among the rest of the debris- and without anything to contain it, eventually had recovered enough to regenerate.

Now the gem had risen into the air, a darker shadow coalescing within the brilliant light. For a moment, the silhouette looked like a person- tall and lithe, with short-cropped hair- but then the shape shifted, hind-legs bending, arms lengthening, fur sprouting all over the body, which shortened and began to hunch over animalistically. The form which had grown so rapidly then shrunk, and by the time the glow had subsided, the ferret monster standing there was only the size of a large dog.

And it was equal parts scared and angry.

"How is it not dead?" cried Jenny as the regenerated ferret bared it's teeth at them.

Her question went ignored as Garnet shouted, "Get it!" She and her teammates went into action- or attempted to, anyway. Amethyst made it about five steps before she lost her balance and fell face-first into the sand. Garnet was steadier, but when the ferret saw her approach, it angrily lashed it's tail through the the sand, splashing it at the approaching enemies. The warrior never saw it coming, and took the sand attack directly to the eyes. Steven was faster on his feet, and able to dodge the sand-slash. Running left, he went around the creature's side, waving his arms wildly in a desperate attempt to seem large, and dissuade it from running towards him in an attempt to escape. Pearl, meanwhile, finally seemed to have gotten control of her new body. She charged right at the ferret, determination burning in her eyes as she raised her hand to her forehead and pulled out-

-nothing.

Her eyes widened as she grasped at thin air, horrified realization dawning. "My spear!"

The ferret advanced on her, jaws snapping. With no weapon at hand, Pearl had no choice but to jump backwards, out of range. Usually such flips and leaps came easily to her, but not this time; she too joined Amethyst sprawled in the sand.

Throughout this all, the 'humans' had hung back, uncertain; now they seemed like they wanted to do something, but were at a loss as to what.

"Should- should we do something?" asked Sour Cream.

"Yes!" wailed Amethyst, spitting out sand.

"Our weapons!" shouted Garnet. "You can summon them!"

Buck just raised his hands in confusion while Jenny yelled, " How ?"

All at once, the Gems began barking instructions at the people inhabiting their bodies- 'think about your place in the cosmos and your connection to all living matter', 'visualize the spear materializing from the core of your being', 'I don't know, just **do** it!' Steven grimaced as he heard the confusing and contradictory explanations, all shouted over one another. The teens seemed overwhelmed, and the boy knew the feeling.

The ferret, which had regenerated ready for a fight, now mostly seemed confused as to why the fearsome predators which had defeated it were now about as effective as a flock of headless chickens. It eyed them all suspiciously, as if expecting some kind of trick- but these people truly didn't seem to be a threat anymore. The fight-or-flight response subsided, replaced in favour of something else- the need to collect.

Suddenly, the ferret darted forward, towards the nearest item in it's now scattered collection- what appeared to be an ordinary set of keys. It grabbed them hurriedly with it's forepaws, stuffing them into it's belly pouch once more. Casting it's eyes around, it caught sight of the purplish gemstone it had been admiring earlier. Seeing that it's would-be attackers were still occupied, it ran off to grab it as well.

"GUYS!" Steven cried, trying to cut through the chaos.

Heads swivelled in his direction, then to where he was pointing. Struggling to her feet, Pearl gasped with Sour Cream's voice. "No! We can't let him take those!"

By then, Garnet had wiped the grit out of her face, and was preparing to run in again. Steven was doubtful that she could do much with her new body; she was just too uncoordinated with it. His human friends, meanwhile, seemed no closer to activating their newly acquired alien powers. They'd moved on to fruitlessly poking and growling at 'their' gems, a sight which the child found painfully familiar.

But he himself had long moved past of the stage of vainly eating Cookie Cats in an attempt to activate his powers, and now his shield appeared in his hand with barely a thought. By then the ferret-creature had already picked up the purple gem, and was heading for the next, the shimmering silver one. Steven held his shield like a Frisbee, aimed, then threw it. It went exactly where he wanted it, landing straight-up in the sand, right between the creature and it's quarry, cutting it off. The ferret almost ran straight into the shield, but managed to skid to a stop at the very last second.

"Go away!" Steven shouted, throwing himself at the monster. The ferret released a panicked trill, leaping away- Steven just managed to grab a hold of it's tail. He struggled to get a grip on the silky fur, but the creature thrashed and twisted, and finally managed to break free, leaving behind only a tuft of red hair which quickly vanished into the ether.

Garnet had moved back into action, and was the ferret's side, trying to block it off- but her new body was so much smaller and slower than she was used to, and the ferret had no difficulty dodging her attempt to grab onto it by the scruff of the neck. She put on a burst of speed, managing to get in front of it once more. She braced herself into the sand, squaring off- it merely ran off between her legs, and took off down the beach. Garnet growled, spun around, nearly toppled over, then started to run after it.

She was joined by Jenny, who'd clearly given up on the whip-summoning, and had chosen to take chase after the ferret, prepared to wrestle it to the ground if necessary. Behind her came her two teenaged friends, who were hardly going to let her run off on her own. Within moments they had not only caught up with Garnet, but had outpaced her. They left the now-human in the dust, gaining quickly on the quick-footed ferret.

It looked as though they might actually manage to catch it. It's new, smaller body had far shorter legs, so it wasn't nearly as fast as it had been before, and the newly super-powered teens had desperation on their side.

But they **were** still newly powered teens, and they were unaccustomed to high-speed monster chases. They kept their eyes locked on their prey; they had no idea that they should have also been watching the ground.

It was a beach, after all, the soft ground uneven and covered in things which had washed up upon the shore. Jenny's foot caught on a large gnarled piece of wood. Her ankle twisted; she collapsed to the ground with a little scream. Buck, who'd been following right at her heels, went down with her. Sour Cream, who'd been a few paces behind, was able to re-direct his course and avoid a three Gem pileup- but the extra seconds it took him to avoid falling gave the ferret a chance to gain even more of a lead. Nevertheless, the DJ continued to chase, even as the ferret left the beach and started up the slope leading inland. By the time the gem-monster had raced over the crest of the hill, Sour Cream was a good ten feet behind, and it became apparent that it had escaped. He had no choice but to give up.

He trotted back down to the beach, head drooped in defeat. "Sorry," he said to the re-assembled group.

"Not your fault," Jenny muttered as she shook sand out of Amethyst's black shirt. "I was the one who messed up."

"I'll say," agreed Amethyst. "That was a disaster!"

"Hey!" grunted Buck. He didn't like people insulting her friends

"Just being honest," Amethyst said. She didn't like people picking on her friends either, and she hadn't forgotten the comment Buck had made to Pearl earlier. "You guys did fall down- and even if you hadn't, you didn't have anything to catch that guy with. You can't summon weapons!

"And we're useless, too!" she continued, turning to her teammates. "It took us forever to catch that thing, and now we're slow and weak, and I can barely **walk**!"

"That- was- pretty- bad-" huffed Garnet between heavy breaths. She was standing hunched over, arms braced on 'her' legs. The chase, as short and slow as it had been for her, had left her completely winded. It was a novel, and not particularly enjoyable, experience.

"So what are we gonna do?" asked Buck. It was odd, hearing him speak in Garnet's voice, but without her distinctive authority or accent. "Yousaid we needed that stuff to get back into our bodies."

Garnet looked towards the hill, then back at the group. "We catch it."

There were strangled squeaks of alarm all around at the prospect.

Steven chose that moment to re-join the group, distracting them before anyone could think to ask the obvious question of how. The boy was holding both of his hands palm-up in front of him, with a pair of pink bubbles hovering above them. Inside the bubbles glimmered the two remaining gems that the ferret hadn't managed to take with it.

"I figured we shouldn't let them reform, too," he explained with a tentative smile, motioning at them with his head.

"Good job, Steven," Amethyst said, a tired smile on her face. Her teammates nodded, proud and grateful of his forethought. The people occupying the bodies of Steven's teammates, however, just looked confused.

"Reform?" asked Buck. "Like what that gazelle thing did?"

"I thought it looked more like a ferret," reflected Sour Cream.

Pearl gave the person sing her body a long, odd look, then turned back to Buck. "Yes, exactly," she said, answering his question. "I suppose you'll need to know, considering our...situation. But those monsters leave behind gems when defeated. Every single one of them had the ability to reform their body, if they're not kept contained in an object or bubble." She looked back at Steven. "Really clever thinking. If only- well, never mind. You can teleport those back to the Temple now. I got a look at those Gems earlier, so I'll be able to recognize among the rest. We'll need to use them to reverse the effects of the explosion."

Steven nodded in understanding, and the bubbles vanished in a brief pair of pink sparkles. Under normal conditions, this probably would have elicited some impressed reaction from his human friends, but at this point they were clearly resigned the the weirdness.

"What's the point?" asked Amethyst. She pointed in-land, the vague direction to where the ferret had run. "It already got away. You said it yourself, we can't do anything without that other gem."

"Amethyst," said Garnet, warning in her voice. The younger warrior looked down.

"...well," said Pearl. She had that strained look on her face, the one she got whenever she was forced to talk about something she found uncomfortable. "It's...possible...that there may be alternative ways of re-creating that specific frequency, even without every single component of the original explosion. There might be something in the Temple we can substitute for it." She was wringing her hands nervously throughout her explanation, but then she forced more composure and confidence into her tone. "But we'll need to collect everything else that was in the creature's pouch."

Everyone cast their eyes across the beach, which was still littered with the debris from the explosion. There was a lot of it.

"Everything?" asked Jenny.

"Everything," repeated Pearl.

"Even that Sprite can?" asked Buck.

"You heard her," Garnet said, striding towards the object in question and picking it up. "Let's do this right."

So, after a series of exchanged glances, everyone did- humans, Gems and mixtures of the two alike. And if anyone had any doubts about the usefulness of Pearl's plan, or the necessity of the glorified beach clean up, they were kept to themselves.

After all, they couldn't think of a better alternative.


	3. Lesson Three: Keep Moving Forward

**Author's Note:** I dedicate this chapter to aloe vera, and the many, many burns it has soothed. Also, to my high school philosophy classes on determinism vs. Cartesian dualism.

oOoOoOo

 **Lesson Three: Keep Moving Forward**

It took longer than perhaps necessary to gather what was left of the ferret monster's collection, for a number of reasons. Garnet, Amethyst and Pearl were finally able to get a better hang of walking with their human bodies, but they were still prone to losing their balance every time they needed to bend down to pick something up. This caused a rather lot of flailing and kicking of sand, especially since they were rarely patient enough to wait for Steven or one of the others to come and help them back up to their feet.

The Cool Kids, meanwhile, generally seemed to be far more comfortable with the situation they had been thrust into- but that didn't mean they were okay with it. At one point during the clean-up, Buck seemed to be overcome with the sheer magnitude of the situation; his frustration with the weirdness of it all overflowed, causing him to stomp down in anger. He hadn't counted on his super-strength, and put so much force into the stomp that he ended up with his entire right submerged in sand, nearly up to his hip. While Garnet herself would have reacted quite calmly to such a situation, realizing that the same strength that got her into it could easily be used to get her back out, Buck had been too shocked and surprised to move, and so had needed his two ex-human friends to pull him out. After that incident, the clean-up had become distracted by the teenagers wanting to try out there new supernatural strength in other ways.

"Like, can I lift a car?" wondered Sour Cream.

"Well, not my car," Jenny protested, seeing her friend gazing in the direction of her van. "But I wonder what would happen if I punched the cliff."

She curled her fist experimentally.

"Do it," Amethyst urged.

Garnet eyed the cliff. It was craggy, and did not look particularly stable. "You'd probably make rocks fall. We all could be trapped beneath them."

"You'd definitely make the rocks fall," said Buck. He sounded so completely sure- sure, and scared, and disquieted- that Jenny let the matter drop immediately. (Buck didn't ay anything else, but Steven had still watched his friend worriedly, suspicious of the third eye hidden behind the visor he now wore).

After that, they had all continued with the collection with a renewed sense of focus. The only other thing in the way of distracting incidents was Pearl discovering the pocket's of Sour Cream's pants for the first time, and swiftly falling in love. ("They're so much more efficient than just using hands!" she'd exclaimed while stuffing the pockets with every single item she was carrying). Pearl still wasn't over it by the time the group had finished combing the beach, and was instead busy filled up the trunk of the Pizza fan van with the spoils of their search.

"We get it, P.," Amethyst eventually moaned.

"I don't think you do, Amethyst. They are just so convenient," she said, pulling out a sea-shell, an old-fashioned fountain pen, and an entire drinking thermos from a single pocket. "Next time I reform, I'm definitely coming back with pockets."

"...You can just store stuff in your gem, y'know."

"I do know. But it's the principle of the thing."

The teenagers all exchanged glances. The Gems often said bizarre things off-handedly like that, but in their previous, limited interactions with the aliens, the teens had just found it easier just not to question it all. Now that that they were actually using the Gems' bodies, however, those weird comments suddenly seemed a lot more important.

Before any of the teens could ask anything, however, Steven beat them to it- though his question was about far more mundane matters. "So...are we all taking the car?"

"I think that's for the best," answered Garnet, shutting the van's trunk with a loud thunk. Nobody was inclined to disagree with her. It was too far from Beach City for ordinary humans to walk, and none of the teens felt like running, even with their increased speed. It was going to be a tight fit with all seven of them, but they would be able to manage.

"Besides, I'm not leaving you guys alone with my car," Jenny said. "No offence."

"None taken," said Steven cheerfully.

"You mean your family's car," Buck pointed out.

The girl shrugged. "Whatever."

The fact still remained, however, that the car didn't actually belong to Jenny, but to Fish Stew Pizza as a whole. A good portion of the restaurant's delivery service relied on it, so they really couldn't risk damaging it. This complicated the question of who should be allowed to drive the vehicle. Jenny was usually the de facto driver, but there was currently too much of a chance of her accidentally pulling the steering wheel off, or taking the idea of 'flooring it' to a whole new extreme. The same new-found super-strength also ruled out the rest of the Cool Kids. Amethyst was eager to volunteer, on the basis that she did have Jenny's body, but she was forced to admit that while she could drive, she didn't know most of the nuances (such as 'speed limits', or 'separate lanes'). So the reckless warrior was vetoed, and Pearl instead was given the job. She had a valid driver's licence which matched her current face, reasonable control of her human muscles, and even knew how to signal.

"I don't know..." protested Pearl, even as she slid into the driver's seat. She looked immensely uncomfortable, even in comparison to the baseline expression of discomfort she'd been wearing all afternoon.

"Come on," Steven said encouragingly. "You're a great driver!"

She blushed pink under the praise, but didn't seem particularly comforted. "Under normal conditions, perhaps. But right now I'm rather-distracted."

"That's still better than the rest of us," Garnet said, as she opened one of the car's back doors and took a seat.

"You'll be fine," Sour Cream assured her, shooting a thumbs-up.

Pearl's lips were pressed together into a thin line. "But..." she began, her throat catching slightly. She forced through it. "It's just- this body is sopainful.

"And I've been trying to ignore it," the alien warrior continued. "I really have! Been trying to distract myself with a million other little things! But the pain is continuous, and it just won't stop! It is just so distracting! I don't know how I can focus on driving like this- I don't know how humans can focus on **anything**!"

Her outburst was met with slow, puzzled blinking from her companions. None of them- even the other newly humanized Gems- had found human bodies unusually painful to live in. Steven was the first one to put it together. "Oh!" he said. "You're burned!"

"Ooooh, yeah," Sour Cream said, his eyes widening in realization as he focused on the now pinkish-red of his/Pearl's exposed skin. With everything else going on, it had been easily overlooked. "I burn super easily. Sorry about that."

"Yeah, that looks pretty painful," commented Buck as he slid into a back-seat besides Garnet.

"So...this pain isn't normal?" asked Pearl, relief in her voice. She had always known that humans, with their weaker bodies and inability to regenerate after serious injury, felt pain more commonly and more acutely than Gems did, but she had been horrified by the thought of such true discomfort being a constant for them.

"Nope," Jenny assured her. "In fact, I think I have something to help with that."

Jenny had taken the shot-gun seat, on the principle that if Pearl turned out to be a terrible driver after all, she'd at least have the chance to take the wheel. Now she opened the seat's glove compartment, digging around in it for about thirty seconds before pulling a decently sized bottle filled with a strange green substance. "Aloe vera," Jenny pronounced proudly, passing the bottle to Pearl.

Or attempting to. Pearl merely eyes the bottle dubiously. "What is it?"

"Aloe vera gel," Jenny repeated. "Works absolute wonders on burns. We keep it on hand in case of hot-cheese related accidents."

Pearl tentatively took the bottle, then held it upside down and squeezed it. She shuddered as a cold dollop of the green, viscous goo landed on her open palm. Amethyst's eyes lit up at the sight. "That stuff looks so weird," she said with delight, standing up from her own seat in the back.

"Does it work?" Pearl asked, the skepticism in her voice fueled by thousands of years watching humans muck around ineffectively with skull-drills and leaches, all while calling the practice medicine.

"I swear by it," Jenny said seriously.

Pearl was not really reassured by the teenaged girl's words, but she was desperate, and so spread the aloe vera gel over Sour Cream's hands, face, and neck- everywhere which had been exposed to the magical blast. To her immense surprise and relief, it actually helped. A lot. It felt as though the pain was melting away, leaving only a refreshing coolness in it's wake.

"Well," she said, giving a small sigh of relief.

"Told you," Jenny said, smugly. She took back the bottle.

"Wait," Steven said, before the girl could put the aloe vera away again. With no more room in the car, he was sitting in Garnet's (or rather, Buck's) lap. "Garnet and Amethyst are also kind of burned. They should have some too!"

Everyone waited as the rest of the humanized-Gems took the time to slather the aloe gel over their skin (Amethyst taking particular joy out of the process). Neither of their bodies had been burned particularly badly, and so they'd hardly noticed any real discomfort, but were still surprised by how nice the cream still felt on their skin.

"The fact that I burn so easily is just another reason I shouldn't be a fisher-man," Sour Cream said, partly to fill the awkward silence.

"Not now," Buck said, slumping down in the seat besides him. Usually he was perfectly content to listen to his friend vent about his strange step-dad, but right no, he was tired. They all were. None of them were in the mood to talk about stuff like that.

Or anything, really. Once Garnet and Amethyst finished, the aloe vera put was away, and Pearl started up the car; nobody volunteered any more topics of conversation. By the time the car had left the beach and began towards the highway, everyone appeared to be lost in thought, staring blankly at the landscape rolling past.

From his place in Garnet's lap, Steven also watched the fields of corns go by, but without much interest. He couldn't ignore how- odd this all felt. (And he didn't just mean how strangely small Garnet's lap was now.)

He'd seen some weird stuff before. A lot of weird stuff, actually. Body switching was still near the top of his list. But what was weird about this situation was how...strained, it all felt. It felt like there was so much discomfort, lurking just underneath the surface, but nobody was willing to show or acknowledge it.

That was Garnet, right then. She seemed as calm as usual, but there was a real tenseness to her. Garnet often could be a rock (metaphorically, at the moment), but right now she was so stiff that it almost felt like it, too.

"Garnet," he eventually asked in a soft voice, when he couldn't hold the question back any longer. "Are you...okay?"

She glanced down at him. "Yes."

"Oh. Good."

She looked at his knees, where Garnet had rested her new pair of hands. They were both pulled into tight fists, their knuckles having almost turned white. He reached out and grabbed one- Garnet let him take it, and let him gently pull her fingers open. He looked down at the hand curiously. It was softer than Garnet's, and smaller, and less pink. And in the centre of it's palm, there was only skin.

"What about Ruby and Sapphire?" he asked.

"They're fine, Steven." She lightly pulled her hand out of his grip, and laid it onto her own knee. "I'm fine."

He knew not to push it any farther, so he nodded. He settled back down, allowing himself just one more glance at his friends' hands. Garnet would know best about these kinds of things. While Steven understood the essence of fusion- that Garnet was Ruby and Sapphire, or their love for each other- he still didn't totally get it. But if Garnet said she was fine, then her component parts had to be, too. Even if their actual gems were in another body.

He was... having trouble wrapping his mind around that, too, actually. Gems were gems, he'd been told; those stone were literally the core of who they were. So how was it even possible that the Gems could even be separated from their gems?

Same thing went for his human friends, come to think of it. Connie had explained to him once about the brain, and how it was the source of all human thought. "Or most of it, at least," she'd said, after she'd finished telling him all about neurons and electrical impulses. "The brain itself isalso influenced from chemicals like hormones that are made in other parts of the body, as well."

So it made just as much sense that Jenny, Buck and Sour Cream could be separated from their brains, as it did for Garnet, Amethyst and Pearl to be separated from their gems. Unless...maybe there was some **other** , extra part of a person, which made them them, that wasn't tied to brains or gems or whatever. Like familiars, from the Spirit Morph Saga, but invisible, and not shaped like animals. Maybe it was that part of him which had let Steven reach out to Lapis Lazuli in his dreams. Maybe that was the 'light at the core of your being', that Garnet talked about when describing fusion.

Steven closed his eyes, out of exhaustion and confusion. He didn't know. This was the kind of thing he usually asked somebody else about. He wasn't good at thinking about stuff like this.

And it had been a long day. It wasn't that late- the sun was only just beginning to set- but after everything that had happened, he was still tired. Surely it wouldn't hurt to just take a little rest?

Lulled by the comfortable, steady movement of the pizza van, the boy slowly drifted into sleep. Garnet shifted her position slightly, in order to steady his sagging body. Then she returned to her own thoughts, just like everyone else.

The drive back to Beach City took almost an hour. They managed to get there without any accidents, despite Pearl's mind occasionally drifting to matters besides the road in front of her; it was a good thing that the highway had been practically empty. As they neared the board-walk a whispered debate broke out about where they should go now.

"To the Temple," Pearl said simply, before any real arguments could take root. Not that there was much chance of it, in all honesty. The teenagers' had figured that maybe they should all head back to their homes...but none of them were really sure how to even bring up the subject of their recent body-switching to their families, and were hopeful that whatever the mysterious magical temple contained would make such explanations unnecessary.

There was therefore no protests when Pearl turned off the main road, headed past the Big Donut, and rolled down onto the beach below. The car came to a stop at the bottom of the hill which lead up to Steven's house and the crumbling Temple above.

Everyone unbuckled seat-belts, got out of the car, stretched, and began heading up...except for two.

"Uh, Garnet?" Amethyst asked, noticing her missing friends. "You coming?"

"Yes," Garnet replied. She was still holding the sleeping Steven in her lap. She slid her feet out of the open car door, planting them firmly in the sand, but made no move to stand up.

"...so?" Amethyst prompted.

Garnet did not get embarrassed. She did not. Which was why her face remained perfectly blank, and her voice completely neutral, when she said; "Steven is rather heavy."

An unreadable expression flashed across Amethyst's face. "Oh."

By then, the others had also noticed the back-up, and had returned to see what was going on. Maybe they had all overheard the exchange, or maybe Sour Cream had just managed to put the pieces together, because he said, "Here, let me take him."

Garnet looked once between the teenager inhabiting Pearl's body, and the young child sleeping peacefully in her arms and said, "Okay."

Pearl herself was not all that pleased with the arrangement. "Wait!" she hissed, arms flailing with fear. "Be careful! You don't know your own strength, and he's very delicate!"

The DJ looked at her. His expression was as deadpan as usual, but there was somehow something more serious to it than usual. "I know," he said. "I have a baby brother. I'll be careful."

Pearl bit her human lip, then nodded.

Garnet shifted and helped the teenager take the sleeping child into his arms. Sour Cream picked him up with exceeding carefulness, as if acutely aware of just how strong he now was. Still, as he clutched Steven to his chest, his eyes widened. He was still surprised by just how light the boy felt.

Living with the Gems, Steven had become able to sleep through most minor disasters, however loud and/or explosive, as long as he was sleepy enough. It wasn't surprising then, that even with all the excitement, that he didn't stir once from his sleep once throughout the transfer. Sour Cream backed away, and with a small shrug, Garnet finally stood, shut the van door behind her, and began leading the group up the hill.

"Neat digs," Buck said, once they'd made it up and entered into the house proper through the screen door. The Cool Kids had never actually been inside their friend's home before. It was, overall, a nice place- almost surprisingly mundane, all things considering.

"This is just Steven's room," Amethyst said, while Sour Cream began to carry the boy in question up the stairs to his bed. "The real Temple is in there-" she pointed to the magical door at the other side of the house. A hint of boastfulness entered her voice. "It exists in another dimension."

Buck nodded. "Cool."

"No, that's cool!" Jenny exclaimed, when she noticed the mass of green wires and wreckage across the living room floor and attached the warp pad through complicated circuitry. She bent down to inspect it, her eyes alight. "This is that weird space pod thing, right?"

"Don't touch it!" Pearl ordered.

The girl's hands flew up. "I wasn't!"

Pearl looked skeptical, but Jenny was being honest. She'd remembered how the crashed space-pod had started firing death lasers everywhere, and was in no rush to repeat the experience.

Having deposited the sleeping boy on his bed, Sour Cream made his way back down the stairs and came to stand next to his friends. He crossed his arms, apparently for a lack of anywhere else to put them. "So," he asked. "What now?"

"We need to get inside the Temple," Pearl explained. "If I'm to find the necessary equipment to reverse the reaction, that's where it will be."

"Great," Jenny said. She strode confidently towards the door indicated. She pressed against it with both hands. When nothing happened, she pressed against it harder. Yet, even with her increased strength, the door remained as immovable as any mountain normally would. She eyed the closed portal critically, then looked at the Crystal Gems. "Um. How?"

Amethyst appeared as thought she was just barely suppressing a smirk. "It ain't like that," she said. "You gotta use your gem."

"Is this the same thing as summoning those weapons?" asked Buck.

"Not exactly," Garnet said. "But similar. The Temple has been imbued with the very power and essence of our gems. You must focus on that essence, connect with it, to be granted entry."

Throughout her short speech, each of the Cool Kids had begun looking at the gemstones they now bore, as if willing them to activate. They all remained stubbornly dim.

"Look," Amethyst said, coming to stand besides the bearer of her Gem, hand on hip. "It's easy. You just gotta **feel** it, y'know?"

"No."

"That's easy for you to say," Sour Cream complained. "But none of us were born to this Gem stuff."

"Well, neither was I," Amethyst shot back.

Pearl put a reassuring hand on her friend's shoulder (briefly reflecting how odd it was to be nearly the same height). "It's alright," she told Sour Cream. "I understand. Mastering your gemstone can require a great deal of training, dedication, and time-"

"-the latter of which we don't have," interrupted Garnet. "Our time is limited. Malachite is still at the bottom of the ocean, a time bomb waiting to go off. Peridot is on the loose, trying to find a way to contact Homeworld and signal for reinforcements. We need our bodies back, as soon as possible.

"The Temple is our home," Garnet continued, turning to the door bearing the star insignia, determination etched into her face. "And we will find a way into it."

"So, you got any ideas then?" asked Buck, realizing that determination probably wasn't going to be enough.

"Yes," she replied. "But you will have to listen to us."

All three of the teenagers nodded.

"Whatever it takes, man," said Buck.

"Yeah," agreed Jenny. "I've got my own stuff to deal with. We all do."

With that agreed upon, they all broke away into pairs, each person with their body-swapped partner. The plan was to give a training session that would provide a way for each of the new Gems to access their powers. Buck and Garnet went to sit cross-legged on the couch and begin something akin to meditation. Pearl got some tea-leaves out of a cupboard, and let them fall to the floor, while giving a poetic soliloquy/ballet performance to Sour Cream. Amethyst, meanwhile, lead Jenny through an explanation that involved a lot of intense hand-punching.

But time wore on, and no progress was made. There wasn't a single glimmer of light in any of the gemstones. Frustration built, and tempers began to flare. Steven eventually awoke when Sour Cream began shouting; "-but I don't see what the dancing has to do with ANYTHING!"

The boy sat up on his bed, trying to rub sleep and confusion out of his eyes. He wasn't in the car anymore, and it had grown dark outside. Quietly, he slipped to the floor and crawled over to the ledge overlooking the living area below. He was momentarily confused as to why 'Amethyst' was growling angrily at the Temple door, and why 'Pearl' was sitting on the kitchen counter, glaring at 'Sour Cream', who was giving some passionate speech about "dance being central to the essence of all Gem-kind". Then the events of the last day caught up with him, and he winced.

They were trying to get into the Temple, Steven immediately realized. Trying, but clearly not succeeding. And that was a problem. If the Cool Kids couldn't find a way to activate their Gems, then they couldn't get access to the Temple, and they could be stuck like that forever.

Then, Steven blinked, a new thought striking him. Who said that the Cool Kids were the ones who had to get into the Temple? After all, they weren't the only ones with gems.

He pulled up his rumpled t-shirt, and looked down at the pink stone sitting in the place of his belly button. Admittedly, he'd only ever gotten into his Mom's room twice before, both times by accident. But in fairness, he'd also never really tried to get in.

So Steven closed his eyes, and tried to summon that same feeling he got whenever he pulled up his bubble or shield. He tried to reach his mind out to the massive, looming power of the Temple, and thought; 'Hello, room? It's me, Steven. I'd like to come in, please.'

He knew it had worked when he heard the chorus of surprised gasps from below.

Hastily, the boy pulled his t-shirt back over his still-glowing gem, and half-ran down the stairs. He smiled sheepishly at the audience that was now staring at him, and waved an arm towards the cloud-filled portal and said, "Well. Uh. Shall we?"


	4. Lesson Four: Don't Get Discouraged

**Lesson Four: Don't Get Discouraged**

Before Steven could reach his mother's room, he was held back by Pearl placing a restraining hand on his shoulder.

"Wait!" she cried. "We can't all go in there!"

Steven blinked at her. "Why not?"

"Well," she said, stuttering a little. "It's not safe for, well," she waved a hand vaguely in the direction of the Cool Kids, "for them."

The group of teenagers had been busy staring into the pink infinity of Rose's room with undisguised awe, but Pearl's words brought them back to the conversation. "Wait, what d'ya mean, safe?" asked Jenny. "Isn't this your house?"

"The Temple is our home and base," explained Pearl, under the teens' expectant gazes, "but it's also a place of extremely concentrated magic. It contains highly volatile Gem artifacts, and does not always conform to Earth physics. It can therefore be extremely dangerous, especially for humans."

Jenny grimaced a little at that, but Sour Cream just shrugged and exchanged a glance with Buck. "But aren't you guys humans right now?"

Pearl's face froze. Amethyst snorted at the expression.

"I...suppose," Pearl eventually managed to say, pointedly ignoring her teammate. "But our situation is completely different. We actually know how to conduct ourselves in the Temple's environment. If you went in there, even with Gem bodies, you could do extreme damage not only to yourselves, but the Temple itself."

"I resent that," Buck said, crossing his arms.

"Yeah, man," agreed Sour Cream. "We might be new to this magic stuff, but it's not like we're gonna go around randomly poking everything."

"We're seventeen, not five," finished Jenny. Pearl gave her a look as if to say that she saw very little difference between the two ages.

Steven finally shrugged off Pearl's hand, and took another step towards the still-open Temple door. He simply said, "Why don't we all go?"

Everyone looked at him. He smiled in his most understanding and reasonable smile. "That way the Gems can guide us and find what we need to find. And you," he said, gesturing at the Cool Kids, "can handle any of the stuff a human can't do. Oh, and I can help out, too!"

Pearl opened her mouth, but no protests came out. Amethyst merely shrugged, and looked towards her leader- which was weird, since the two of them were now nearly equal in height. Garnet, in turn, looked at Steven, then at the Cool Kids. "Alright," she said. "It's a good plan."

"Fine," said Pearl, sighing. She clearly didn't like it, but she could tell that there wasn't really any valid alternative available. "But be careful! And do **must** do what we tell you!"

None of the the teenagers were really listening by this point, instead rushing straight towards the Temple door, earning a frustrated glare from Pearl and a cheer from Amethyst. The true Crystal Gems came behind them, while Steven pushed ahead to take the lead. As the boy crossed the threshold, his confident smile faltered.

His Mom's room... Steven wasn't sure how to feel about it. The pink clouds around him were beautiful, and the sight filled him with a sense of safety and comfort that he could barely describe. At the same time, he was aware that this was a false comfort. The room was strange. It worked on it's own rules, rules that Steven still didn't fully understand. It wasn't evil- just inhuman and well meaning, which maybe made it even more dangerous.

He remembered the first time he'd used the Room, when everyone had glitched and Beach City itself had broken down around him; he could still feel the sickening terror, that had made it feel as if his stomach was in his mouth. And then there had been that different fear, unique but just as horrible, when he'd thought he might have lost Connie. Thankfully, he'd found her easily enough, but if something like the clone-Connie happened this time, he didn't know if he'd be as lucky again. He didn't want to risk losing his other human friends.

So he would have to be careful. And anyway, he had the Gems with him this time. If anything weird started happening, they'd be able to help.

"Woah," said Buck, lowering Garnet's visors to get a proper look around. "This was your Mom's room?"

"Yeah," said Steven, rubbing his arm.

"It's pretty," said Jenny, "but kinda... empty. I can definitely see why you live out there-" She had turned around to point back into the human house- but now found that there was no door to be found, just more clouds. The girl blinked. "Uh."

"Yeah, stuff like that happens in here," explained Steven, wearing an apologetic expression.

Sour Cream bent down to inspect the ground which was apparently composed entirely of pink clouds, yet somehow felt as firm as concrete beneath their feet. He glanced at Pearl. "Can I touch it?"

"Yes, yes, this is fine," she said, briskly striding forward. "It's harmless to damage the clouds, and they're extremely malleable."

"Meaning?" asked Buck.

"Meaning that Steven controls, like, everything in here!" said Amethyst, with a wicked grin. Steven returned a significantly smaller one back at her.

"Neat," said Buck.

Out of all the teens, Sour Cream looked the most impressed. "So this is like, VR?" he wondered, turning to Steven. "Could you show us?"

"Uh..." Steven hesitated, eyes flicking towards his family for support. Honestly, he just wanted to get out of his Mom's room and find what needed to be found. He especially didn't want to do anything that might risk a repeat of his last two journeys here. "I'm not sure..."

But then, none of the Crystal Gems looked worried- Garnet and Amethyst looked encouraging, while Pearl appeared to be merely impatient. The Cool Kids, meanwhile, were actively egging him on, eager to his his magical powers. Jenny in particular seemed to be taking advantage of the adorableness of her new body to shoot Steven some of the largest, most pleading puppy-dog eyes he'd ever seen.

"Oh, okay," he relented. Something small wouldn't hurt. "Tiny floating whale?"

On queue, the adorable pink whale popped into existence, waving it's little flippers. It's cuteness even broke through the teens' cultivated veneer of disinterest, and they all coo'ed appreciatively; Pearl too gave him a fond, proud smile.

"Very nice, Steven," said Garnet. "But we should move on."

Steven nodded, then shuffled his feet uncomfortably. "Um- how do I...?"

"You must ask the room for what you really want."

Steven considered Garnet's words as the whale floated down to hover by his shoulder. He thought hard about exactly what he would have to say to the room, for it to give what he actually wanted, and not just a deceptive replica. "I want access to the rest of the Temple. Please."

With of soft 'floof', a pillar of clouds shot upwards, solidified, and transformed into a doorway; the clouds in the center melted away to lead into a large, purple cavern.

"Amethyst's room," Steven said, slightly surprised. He guessed he hadn't actually been specific about where in the Temple he'd wanted to go. But Amethyst's room was the place he was most familiar with, since they often spent time hanging out with her there- that's why the room must have selected it. "Is it real?"

Amethyst stuck her head through, frowning critically. "Sure looks like it. Kinda hard to tell, though."

Jenny was twirling a lock of bleach-white hair around a finger, looking thoughtful. She stepped through the doorway, into the massive cave, staring around at the tall piles of trash and the glittering, stone-studded walls. She turned around slowly, a peculiar expression coming over her face. "It's...weird," she said. "I've never been here before, but it feels- familiar."

"Huh. That's how it usually feels for me," said Amethyst, an odd look in her eyes. Not jealousy, exactly, but something akin to it.

"Amethyst's gemstone is resonating with it's own power," Garnet stated. "Rose's room is excellent at fooling physical senses, but not magical ones. This is not an illusion. Let's go."

So they did. Once everyone had walked through the doorway, it vanished, leaving only solid rock behind. Amethyst took the group's- her magical connection to her room might have been severed, but she still knew it like the back of her hand, and was the one best equipped to find the quickest path to the Temple's heart. The newcomers thought the cave was one of the coolest places they'd ever seen, and Amethyst took delight in showing her domain off, cheerfully telling the guests that they were free to poke everything in here, at least.

"This stuff is wicked," Jenny said, as she started digging through the nearest trash-pile with interest.

"Yeah," agreed Sour Cream, as he unearthed an old phonograph. "This junk is pretty sweet."

"Wait," laughed Amethyst, holding up a hand. "I'm going to need you to say that again, on video. I want a permanent recording of Pearl's mouth saying that. For like, posterity or whatever. Just a sec, I think I have a video camera buried over here-"

Pearl, who looked personally offended at the entire exchange, grabbed Amethyst by the hand before she could dive into the nearest junk pile "Can we not get distracted from the task at hand, please?" she asked, cheeks pink.

Amethyst seemed perfectly ready to pull out of her friend's grip, but when she met Pearl's eyes, she seemed to think better of it. "Okay, fine," she relented. "But before we turn back, I'm getting that video. 'Kay, Sour Cream?"

"Sure," he shrugged. He put the phonograph back down, and the group moved on.

Not long after, they all arrived at the edge of a particularly large puddle. Amethyst pointed at it, and said, "Okay, here it is."

Garnet and Pearl nodded while the Cool Kids all frowned. Steven frowned too, but not with confusion. He was pretty sure he recognized this puddle from the hours he'd spent hanging out in Amethyst's room. "Wait," he asked her. "Doesn't this drop in from the ceiling?"

"More like half-way up the wall," Amethyst said. "Below all the bubbled gems, don't worry. We won't accidentally pop any if we go through."

That wasn't what he'd been worried about. "Half-way up the wall is still really high!" he exclaimed. "If you guys fall through that, you could get hurt!"

It was something that the Crystal Gems hadn't even considered. Heights were a thing that other people worried about. They didn't have to deal with bruising, or shattered bones, or internal bleeding, or any of the other things squishy organic people had to think about when confronted with a jump greater than a few feet. And honestly it appeared that the Gems' pride stung having to consider it. But none of them were so proud that they were willing to foolishly risk their lives, especially when they bodies they were currently occupying were on loan.

"-Okay, I'm lost," said Jenny, with nods from her two friends.

"Same," agreed Sour Cream, while Buck nodded.

A quick explanation about the puddle-system, central room and bubbled gem collection ensued, followed by a quick discussion of their options. Eventually they all agreed that having the now human-Gems just jump, head-first, through the magic puddle would be a bad idea- but their alternatives weren't much better. Garnet pointed out that the other paths to the Temple's centre were in many ways equally dangerous, filled with bottomless pits and precarious climbs. Pearl suggested that they retrace their steps and return to Rose's room, where Steven could hopefully summon another portal directly where they needed ago.

"Nah, I got a quicker idea," Amethyst said. "Why don't they just carry us?"

The Cool Kids all initially looked surprised at the suggestion, but grew thoughtful as they considered it. "We are pretty strong now," said Buck.

"Hell ya, we are," said Jenny. She picked up a nearby anvil to demonstrate. In her hands, it looked as though it was made of Styrofoam, not solid iron.

Pearl looked dubious. "Even with them carrying us, we could still get hurt."

Before anyone could respond to this, Steven just ducked his head under water.

There was nothing to do but wait for him to come back up. Garnet bent down to grip his feet to ensure that his whole body would not accidentally fall through. A few moments later Steven's head re-appeared, not-at-all out of breath, and she let go. He informed them all that the jump did actually look pretty safe for humans, as long as everyone was carried correctly, and he urged his formerly-human friends to take a look so that they would know where they were landing.

After a few uncertain glances at each other, the Cool Kids obliged. They got down on their knees and each dipped their heads into the pool. The stayed submerged for much longer than Steven, leaving the Crystal Gems to wait awkwardly to return.

Sour Cream was the first to re-appear; his eyes were wide, but we was clearly smiling. "Woah," he said as he stood back up. "The gravity switch is kinda disorientating. It's like a real-life Portal."

"That's 'cause it is a portal," said Amethyst.

Sour Cream shook his head. "Nah, I meant the video-game 'Portal'. It's this first-person puzzler where you get to shoot portals, and there's this evil robot lady-"

His explanations about human pop-culture references was cut short by the return of his two friends. Buck and Jenny reappeared, wringed water out of their hair, and looked at the Crystal Gems.

"Are you sure we won't get hurt if we jump?" Buck asked.

"Certain," said Garnet.

"Just don't fall on your gem," Amethyst added, pointing at her/Jenny's chest in demonstration. Jenny and the other teens considered this.

"Alright," Jenny said, putting her hands on her hips. "That shouldn't be a problem. We can do this."

This was why, five minutes of quick discussion later, Buck found himself sitting at the edge of the magical puddle, legs dangling through it and out-of-sight. Garnet was being held, bridal-carry, in his arms, her face completely blank. Steven, meanwhile, was piggy-backing, his legs wrapped tightly around Buck's waist while he clutched at Buck's neck in a way which would have certainly been choking, had the teen's projected-body needed to breathe. Once it was certain that everyone was secure, Buck took a deep breath anyway, then pushed himself off shore and into the puddle.

He and the others fell through with a small splash. For a second, everything was muted. Then water gave way to air; gravity twisted and reversed; together, they fell past downward, past the floating bubbles. Buck shifted his stance mid-fall, and managed to brace himself as they all hit the ground, no worse for wear.

After landing, Buck stepped aside and helped both Garnet and Steven to their feet. About ten seconds later Jenny dropped down, Amethyst in her arms, and the two of them screaming happily as they fell. When they landed on the ground, both looked as though they wouldn't mind going back around and doing it again. The same could not be said for either Pearl or Sour Cream, who came down not long afterwords, both looking incredibly stressed by the situation and thankful it was over.

There was an strained silence as everyone waited for Pearl and Sour Cream to disentangle themselves.

"Nice lava pit," Buck commented, looking around at the strange chamber.

"Thanks," Garnet said.

The awkward silence returned. Eventually Steven said, "So...?"

Pearl hummed. She was staring critically up at the bubbled gemstones above. "We need to find the Gems from the explosion. "

Everyone peered up. The sheer number of Gems collected there was staggering.

"I bubbled two," Steven said. "One was green- it was kind of all bubbly over, sort of like moss or something. And the other was silver, and really thin and sparkly."

"Okay, great," Amethyst said, also staring up. "But what about that one gem the monster managed to get away with? The purple one? Shaped like an ice-cream cone?"

"We find one matching it," said Pearl.

Sour Cream raised a single eyebrow. "Wait. Do you really have a Gem here that's identical to the other one?"

"...similar," Pearl eventually said, with some reluctance. "Not identical, but similar enough for our purposes."

"The ferret-thing also got away with some keys," pointed out Jenny. "What about those?"

"Let's focus on the gemstones for now," Pearl said, primly.

Jenny didn't seem particularly satisfied by this answer, but there wasn't much she could do about it. The search began. They broke into two crews. Those with human bodies stayed on the ground (or mostly human, in Steven's case), acting as a spotting crew from below. Those with Gem bodies, meanwhile, climbed up the veins of the Temple's heart like it was a jungle gym, allowing them to search right among the floating collection of captured gems. The teens were initially nervous at doing what was essentially rock-climbing over a pool of lava without equipment, but when they realized just how steady and strong their new bodies were, anxiety quickly gave way to exhilaration. The search started to feel more like a game. As the teens grew more and more casual about it all, Pearl looked as though she might end up tearing her body's hair out- she kept shouting up at the teenagers to be careful. If they accidentally popped any of those bubbles, the gems inside could regenerate, and they could all have a huge problem on their hands. (Or an even huger problem, as the case may have been).

Amethyst was the one who first managed to spot the sparkly-gemstone which Steven had bubbled earlier in that afternoon; Buck was the one who found the green one. They were left where they were floating, for now, though everyone was instructed to remember where to find them. They would only be useful, Pearl stressed, when they found a gem matching the purple one which the monster had escaped with- there was no reason to risk popping bubbles before then.

There was only one problem; they couldn't find a matching gem.

They had a couple false-alarms. Jenny found one gemstone which was purple, but when she brought it down to the ground and let the bubble break, both Pearl and Garnet shook their heads; Steven was forced to bubble it once more. There was another, which was not only purple butalso matched the lost gem's conical shape. Upon closer inspection, however, it was discovered to actually be a light red colour. It merely had seemed purple due to the blue bubble it had been contained it. It, too, was put back. Eventually, Sour Cream's called down; "Hey, I found something that looks like it might be what we need- but it's all busted!"

"Bring it down," Pearl ordered, anyway.

'Busted' was an apt description. The gem wasn't completely shattered- it was mostly in one piece. But three smaller shards had been broken off, and what remained of the central piece had a deep crack in it. But the stone was purple, and despite the heavy damage it had sustained, the stone's shape was clearly a cone.

Steven winced when he saw it. Then he glanced nervously at Garnet. Her eyes were hidden, of course, and the rest of her expression was like stone; but the hands which weren't quite hers were nonetheless balled into tight fists. She was completely still, not saying a word, and Steven knew that she was thinking of the tortured shard-fusions they'd found beneath the Kindergarten.

Neither Amethyst or Pearl knew about those fusions, and so were nowhere near as badly affected- but neither did they look happy. Far from it, in fact. Amethyst had begun to stare resolutely at the ground, while Pearl's lips were pressed into a very thin line.

"So?" Jenny asked, as she and Sour Cream jumped down to join them. "Any good?"

"This is the kind of Gem we need, yes," Pearl said, in a quiet voice.

"So we can use it?" asked Sour Cream.

"No," answered Pearl. She took the broken gem and it's shards from Buck's hands, bent down, and pressed them in Steven palms. "Bubble them," she commanded.

"But-!" said Steven.

Pearl closed her eyes, for just a moment. "No buts. It's too damaged."

"Yeah, no, I agree-" said Jenny, gesturing for Steven to wait. "Sure, the rock's in bad shape. But we can fix it, right? Get some super glue, maybe some duck tape. Heck, Sour Cream has a soldering iron at his place, we could-"

"No," interrupted a voice, and this time it was Amethyst's. "You can't just glue a gem back together. It doesn't work that way."

All three of the teenagers looked prepared to start arguing the point, but Steven interrupted him. "I- I could lick it," Steven said, in a desperately hopeful voice. "Or take it to my Mom's fountain- we could fix it, just like we fixed Amethyst-"

"Oh, Steven," Pearl sighed. "Don't you think we've already tried that? I was there when we collected this gem. It fell into rapids when it's body was destroyed; it was a miracle we found it at all. When we did, Rose Quartz cried directly onto it. Even her freshest tears didn't do a thing."

"That's just the way it is, bud." Amethyst's voice was unusually tender as she crouched down to wrap one of her arm's around Steven's shoulders. His eyes had become very shiny. "Some things, you just can't put it back together."

Steven sniffed; nodded. Then a delicate pink bubble blossomed in his hand around the broken gem, gently carrying it up into the air.

"But it's okay!" Pearl said, with a familiar forced confidence as she turned her attention back to the rest of their gem collection. "That particular taaffeite specimen may have been broken, but I'm certain there are others! We just have to keep looking! We haven't even started on that quadrat, for example, and-"

"Pearl," Garnet interrupted, speaking for the first time since they'd found the broken gem."There's not."

Pearl froze, not looking at her friend. "Pardon?"

"There's not any more taaffeite here," Garnet repeated. "You know it isn't."

"Well," she said. "I don't personally recall collecting any others, it's true, but I hardly know about every single gem here. You always go on lone missions, and so did Rose Quartz, so it's quite conceivable that-"

"I've never found any," Garnet said. "And I highly doubt Rose ever did, either. You know very well that Taafiete has always been one of the rarest models, and that very few were ever stationed in the Crystal System. As far as I'm aware, after the war only two were left on this planet. That one," she pointed at the broken gem floating above their heads, "and the one that we saw stolen today.

"So please, Pearl," Garnet continued, a note of softness entering her otherwise harsh tone. "Tell us the truth. Don't offer them- or us- false hope."

Aside from the gentle gurgling of the lava in it's pit, the chamber was dead silent. As Garnet had spoken, breaths had been held, and even now, the onlookers seemed to have forgotten to start again. Amethyst and Steven were staring at their teammates wearily; Jenny, Buck and Sour Cream merely looked shell-shocked, as if they realized that they had wandered in on something terrifying and huge, which they barely understood.

Pearl ran a hand through her short, blonde hair. "I wasn't trying to give false hope," she said. "I knew the odds were low- but I had to confirm, without anyone becoming- discouraged. And I wanted to buy some time, so that I could think of some alternative way to compensate for the missing gem..."

"And have you found an alternative?" asked Garnet.

"No," Pearl admitted, drooping.

Garnet reached out a hand, laid it softly on her friend's back- Pearl moved closer at the contact. "That's alright," she said, softly.

"What do you mean, alright?" asked Jenny, throwing up her arms. "We are stuck in the wrong bodies, and apparently we have NO WAY OF FIXING IT!"

"That is not true," Garnet said, taking off her sunglasses. She addressed not just Jenny, but each of her body-swapped companions in turn. There was true authority and security in her voice, that stood clear despite the apparent youth of the face she wore. You could tell her to be the ancient alien warrior she was. "We can fix it. We simply return to our initial plan.

"We track and fin the monster that took both the taffeite and the keys," she said. "We take it down. We get what we need. And we will reverse this."

oOoOoOo

 **Author's Note:** Taaffeite is a purple gemstone which was first identified in 1945; though it had been discovered before that, it had been mistaken as a kind of spinel, due to it's similar structure. Today, it is recognized as one of the rarest minerals on Earth.


	5. Lesson Five: Ask For Help

**Lesson Five: Don't Be Afraid To Ask For Help**

Garnet's impromptu speech had been necessary. It had prevented the rag-tag group from giving up then and there; given them all enough motivation to make their way back to, and out of, Rose's room. It had even compelled the teenagers to try another round of training and meditation, to see if they'd could manage to summon their weapons. They all knew that such a feat would be necessary, if they had any hope of bringing the ferret-creature down.

But not a single one of their gems had shown even the faintest glimmer of light, no matter what the teenagers tried. Somehow, everybody could sense that they probably weren't _going_ to- not that night, at least. It had been a long day, and everyone was too exhausted.

Mentally, that was. But physically too, Steven thought. It was officially night time, and while his earlier nap meant that Steven wasn't particularly tired, he knew sleep a thing that was going to happen eventually. Not just for him, but for _everyone_ with a human body. Amethyst, Garnet and Pearl sure looked like they needed it. They wore deep bags under their eyes, and there was a distinct sluggishness to their movements that he'd never seen before.

He wasn't the only one to notice the time. Jenny, who'd begun chilling on the kitchen counter, glanced at the microwave clock and exclaimed, "Crap, it's past 10!"

"No swearing in front of Steven!" hissed Pearl from the couch. The child blushed.

"Sorry, sorry." Jenny waved the complaint off impatiently. "But it's _late_. My family's gonna flip if I don't tell them where I am."

From the couch, Sour Cream frowned. "Isn't your Dad out of town? Visiting your aunt or whatever?"

"Oh, yeah." Jenny slumped with relief. "Okay, Kiki and Nanefua probably won't _flip_ , but they'll still want to know what's up."

"...should we tell our families?" asked Sour Cream.

"No way," said Buck. "No way I'm telling my Dad. He gets all weird about you guys. Especially you," he said, pointing at Pearl.

"Oh, are you another Dewey?" Pearl asked, as she mentally sorted Buck into the proper lineage. "Yes, I had noticed."

"But you don't know how long you're going to be...like _this_ ," said Steven, deeply uncomfortable. "Shouldn't you...let them know?"

"Not until I have to," said Buck, looking away.

Sour Cream just shrugged. "I don't know. My step-dad's out on a fishing trip. My Mom would probably be cool with it, I guess."

Amethyst grinned wide. "Heck ya, she will!"

Jenny just groaned, and dragged her hand across her face. "Ugh. I don't want to think about this right now."

" _You_ brought it up," pointed out Buck.

"Yeah, I know," Jenny sighed. "But can we just call our families and tell them we're staying at each others' places for the night? We can deal with the rest in the morning."

There were exchanged glances all around, shrugs, and then an eventual murmured agreement. Then the teens directed the Crystal Gems to fish out phones from various pockets. If this was to work, the ancient warrior aliens would have to act the part of normal human teenagers, and make it convincing enough to fool those teenagers' families.

When she was told this, Garnet stared down at the iPhone in her hand. She was, by and large, a proud Gem. She was also, however, generally a _realistic_ one. She clearly recalled what had happened the _last_ time she'd had to play a role over the phone; it had not gone well. She did not anticipate that it going any better this time. Garnet did not currently have Future Vision, but she scarcely needed it to predict what would happen if any of her friends tried it, either. So she said, "I don't think that would be the best idea."

So they used text messages instead. With the teenagers dictating (and then giving up when they saw how slowly the Crystal Gems texted, and instead using the phones themselves), the messages came out perfectly realistic. Just a bunch of teenagers who'd made last minute sleep-over decision. Not all the various human families seemed particularly _pleased_ about being informed of their "kids'" plans via text, but they were also used to that kind of behaviour, and the lies went undetected.

"So, what now?" Sour Cream asked, after the last parental response had been received. (It was a quick, informal text from his mother, saying "have fun! [winking cat emojii]").

Buck shrugged. "Guess we're crashing here tonight," he said, giving a somewhat questioning look in Steven's direction.

"Yeah, sure," Steven said. He was hardly going to turn them away. "No problem! Make yourself at home! Um- I only have one bed, but there are couches, and I can get out spare blankets- though I guess you don't really need to sleep, now, anyway…"

"Wait, what?" asked Jenny. "No sleep? Is that a thing?"

"Yes," said Garnet.

"Our projected Gem bodies are highly efficient and produce their own energy, and don't require the same rest as organic ones do," explained Pearl.

"Huh," said Buck. "Convenient."

"But sleeping's fun," said Amethyst, sprawled out on the couch. "So I do it anyway."

Jenny looked relieved. "Thank _God_ ," she said. "I would hate it if I couldn't actually sleep. After today, all I want to do is collapse for like, eight hours. Actually, no. Food first, _then_ collapsing."

"I like the way you think," said Amethyst, with a finger snap in Jenny's direction. "Food. Yeah. I'm hungry. Like- actually hungry." She looked down at her stomach. "Feels different than usual. Almost like it _hurts_."

Garnet frowned, and looked down at her own stomach. "Oh," she said. "So _that's_ what that grumbling is."

"Yeah, sorry," said Buck. "Last thing I had was a half a sandwich at lunch."

"So, food for everyone?" asked Jenny.

"Yes!" Amethyst cheered, rolling off the couch, quickly jumping to her feet and rushing towards the kitchen area. It seemed that she'd finally gotten fully confident with the muscles of her new body- or perhaps the promise of food had finally given her the last bit of encouragement she needed. Sour Cream, Buck and Garnet came trailing after her.

Steven came over to. He was hungry, he suddenly noticed. _Really_ hungry. Had even gotten to have lunch that day, or had the ferret creature's appearance interrupted him?

He spearheaded the Dinner Cooking brigade, getting hot dogs out of the freezer and setting Amethyst on the duty of putting them in the microwave to thaw. Garnet was put on cutlery organisation, while Sour Cream grabbed condiments and Jenny began chopping vegetables with the expertise of someone who'd grown up in a pizza restaurant. Buck stood in the corner, with nothing to do but to provide moral support.

"Yo, P," Amethyst called out, after she'd finished messing around with the microwave settings. "You getting in on this?"

Pearl was still sitting on the couch, legs crossed, back perfectly straight. "No thank you," she said, primly. "You know I don't enjoy eating."

"Yeah, but this is different," Amethyst insisted. "You actually _have_ to eat now. Or you'll, like, starve."

"I will not," Pearl said, but she didn't meet Amethyst's eyes.

"Will to!"

"Hardly! Humans can go a full three weeks without physical nourishment! I've seen it myself."

"Uh…yeah, but," Sour Cream said, looking horribly uncomfortable at the prospect of his body starving. "Don't our ribs, like, start showing?"

"Yeah, Pearl!" said Amethyst, leaning heavily on the counter. "Do you want that to happen to his body? Huh?!"

"Of course not-"

"Then stop acting so high and mighty, and just come over here and have like, a single bite!"

"No. I am not being 'high and mighty'. I just dislike eating. So I am staying right here, thank you very much."

"Uhhh," Steven said, putting his newly retrieved frying pan from the stove-top. "Hot dogs aren't going to be done for a while…"

"Then she can have a bun," Amethyst said, pointing at the bread Buck had just gotten out of the fridge. "Or some veggies- or-" She broke off-mid sentence, her eyes widening with sudden understanding. A slow grin spread even wider across her human face. " _Oh_. I see what the **real** problem is here. You need to go to the **toilet**."

"What?" said Pearl, blushing. "No I don't!"

"Then why are you sitting like that? You're just afraid that if you get up you'll," she snorted, "wet your pants!"

"I will not!"

Amethyst threw her head back in laughter. "Oh, this is brilliant!"

"Pearl?" said Steven, slowly. "Do you… _actually_ need the toilet? Because if you do, that's fine. It's perfectly natural."

Pearl sat even more stiffly than usual. For a long moment, she looked prepared to deny everything; but everyone was staring at her, and most of them looked sympathetic. Steven, especially. "Okay…yes," she eventually admitted, her brush turning an even brighter red. "I'm afraid that I do…need to- use the facilities.

"But it's so _uncomfortable_ ," she continued. "I cannot believe that humans tolerate it."

"It's just gonna get more uncomfortable, dude," Buck pointed out.

"Besides, pooping is fun!" said Amethyst. Besides a couple odd looks in her direction, everyone ignored her.

Pearl bit her lip, and wrapped her arms around her torso. "It's just- been so long. I've avoided ingesting things for centuries for this very reason. I'm not sure that I- even know _how_."

Throughout the entire exchange, Sour Cream had been standing in the middle of the kitchen, growing almost as nervous and uncomfortable as the Gem currently using his body. Now, he looked downright _panicked_. He squeezed the ketchup bottle he was holding reflexively; it collapsed under his super strong grip. The lid popped off like a rocket-ship, and tomato sauce splattered everywhere.

"Sorry!" he said, stammering a little. He went reaching around for something to help clean up with.

"It's okay," Steven said, offering him some paper towel.

"Yeah, man," agreed Buck, exchanging an odd look with Jenny. He took the sheet of paper towel before Sour Cream could grab it. "How 'bout I do that? You can go… talk to Pearl. Sort her out. You know."

"Uh. Yeah. Good idea," Sour Cream said, voice shaking a little. He took a deep, unnecessary breath, then started off to where Pearl was sitting. He arrived at the couch rubbing his neck awkwardly, not meeting her eyes. "So. Uh. We should…get this over with."

Pearl sighed. "Yes, I suppose we must." She stood up, keeping her legs pressed closely together. "This way."

She went off towards the washroom tucked around the corner behind the fireplace. She carrier the dignified air of a martyr being lead to the executioner's dock- or, she would have, were she not waddling like a penguin. Sour Cream followed her, looking thoroughly miserable.

"It's gonna be fine!" Jenny called, and it wasn't clear which one she was talking too.

The pair turned the corner; there was the sound of a door opening, then clicking shut. The remaining group were left standing in silence.

"I guess I'll just… clean up," said Buck, remembering the paper towel in his hands and ketchup splattered all around.

"Yeah," said Steven. "And then could you…turn on the stove? And Amethyst, or Garnet, you could get out some butter or oil, so we can start cooking the hot dogs. I'm gonna go grab extra blankets and stuff, and get things all laid out. "

After he was sure that things appeared to be mostly-in-order in the kitchen- no explosions, no arguments, no emergency lessons on human bodily functions- Steven escaped up the stairs into his room. Once there, he immediately flopped down onto his bed, and took a deep breath.

He hadn't lied. He really _did_ mean to get extra blankets and pillows ready for their impromptu slumber party. But he needed a chance to- to breath. He could still remember, with painful clarity, how badly their last 'slumber party' had gone. This one, hopefully, wouldn't be nearly as bad- but even if he wasn't haunted by psychic dreams of Lapis, he would still be dealing with the issue of trapped friends.

And they _were_ trapped. Free to walk around, but trapped nonetheless. He could only imagine how uncomfortable it must be, being flung into a body that wasn't your own. It would have to be hugely disorienting- kinda like fusing for the first time, but without any of the choice involved. Just being near his friends, he could _feel_ their stress. Everybody was clearly on edge, and Steven had the sinking suspicion that it was only a matter of time until someone lost their balance and fell off.

Steven groaned, and got back to his feet. He would look out for his friends, and do _whatever_ he could to make sure that didn't happen.

He buzzed around the room, getting out the spare duvets, blankets and pillows that were kept up in his loft, though there would be more tucked away down stairs. There were probably also a couple hung up to dry; he'd have to Warp over to the Washing Hand and grab them, first chance he got. For now, Steven just put everything he already had in a neat pile near the top of the stairs. He glanced down briefly to make sure no fights had broken out in the kitchen (none had, but Sour Cream and Pearl still weren't back from the washroom), then surveyed his own room, to see if there was anything else he should grab.

"Plushies!" he announced, after a moment's thought. He knew that his fellow Crystal Gems might turn them down, but maybe the Cool Kids would like some. When he needed calming down, there were few things that helped him as much as a cuddly toy. Maybe the others were too old for them, but he suspected that his friends were going to need all the help that they could get.

He headed over to the window sill, where he still kept his remaining toys. He was in the process of picking out the cuddliest of the plushies, when another object caught his attention- his phone.

From below, he heard a minor argument break out about whether or not vinegar was an appropriate hot-dog condiment. Since it did only sound like a _minor_ one, he was in no particular rush to get back to it.

' _Well, it wouldn't be_ responsible _if I didn't check my messages,_ ' Steven reasoned, ignoring the simple fact that he hadn't _had_ any messages to check in nearly a week. (Steven had a fairly large number of contacts in his phone; it was just that the majority of them were always just a five-minute walk away, so nobody ever _bothered_ calling). Nonetheless, he picked up his phone, swiped a finger across the screen, and opened his in-box.

To his mild surprise, it turned out that delay tactic or not, there actually _were_ some un-read messages on his phone. From Connie.

Just seeing that helped perk him up. At least, until he actually _read_ the text message from her, asking if it was still okay for her to come over tomorrow.

Steven's heart sank. He'd _completely_ forgotten that they'd made plans for Connie to come and hang out. With all the weird Gem stuff going on, it had just gotten pushed out of his mind. And now Connie was going to wake up the next day, so excited to come and hang out with her friend, only to find that he'd cancelled.

Because he would _have_ to cancel, right? Steven was going to be too busy to hang out with her. He was going to need to help the Cool Kids learn how to activate 'their' Gems, and be watching make sure nobody got hurt, and do his best to keep the harmony. Plus, who knew what else could go wrong? And honestly, it was a little overwhelming, because the Gems knew so little about humans, and humans knew even _less_ about Gems, and it felt like he was the only one who knew either well enough to help-

-Steven froze.

He gave his situation a little thought. Glanced back down at his phone. Stared at Connie's name, blinking up at him.

She **did** know an awful lot about Gems, after all.

' _Are we still on for tomorrow_?' the text asked.

Steven peeked over the edge of his bedroom, and peered down at the chaos unfolding in kitchen below him. He considered his options. He could try to handle all of this on his own. _Or_ …

' _YES_ ,' he eventually texted, in all caps. ' _PLEASE_ '.

Then, he hit send.

oOoOoOo

In ideal weather and traffic, the drive from Connie's house to Beach City took approximately forty five minutes. It often _felt_ far longer- and this was one of those times where the forty five minutes seemed to stretch into infinity.

"So," Mr. Maheswaran said, in that too-casual voice parents sometimes used. "What are you planning to do at Steven's today?"

"Uhhh," Connie began. She tightened her grip on the gym bag in her lap. "I don't know. Probably just hang out. Steven got this old book from his Dad that he thinks I might like; maybe we'll start reading that."

Her Dad smiled. "You know, I'm really proud of you two kids," he said. "So many people your age- they don't think about anything other than TV, and video-games, and the internet. It's so _nice_ that you and your friend still enjoy reading books on the beach."

"I enjoy that other stuff too, Dad," she pointed out.

"Aww, I know," he said, as he signalled to change lanes. "But it's the _moderation_ that counts. It's being sensible about these things. And we Maheswaran's are-"

"-all about sensible," Connie finished, biting off a sigh. She wondered how sensible- or safe- her Dad would think her, if he knew that she was carrying a sword in her lap at that very moment.

Connie hadn't actually been lying to him, when she'd told him that she and Steven might just end up hanging out and reading a book. They did do that a lot. And Steven _had_ been telling her about this new book his Dad had given him, so they very well may just end up sprawled out on the sand, taking turns reading it to each other. It was just that they might also end up doing something a little more- _adventurous_.

If she pressed the duffle bag her her chest, Connie could feel the shape of the sword inside, and had to fight the urge to _pull it out_ and hold in her hands. She wondered if she was going to get to use it today- _properly_ use it, that was. Not just against Holo-Pearls, not just in a practice spar, but in an _actual, real-life battle_.

All yesterday she'd been practically shivering with anticipation at her upcoming trip to Beach City. She hadn't been able to see Steven much lately- she'd been busy with school, and on his side, there had been… _stuff going on_. She hadn't really pried; she'd gotten the sense that it was private stuff. But by the sound of it, whatever issue there had had been was now resolved, and _she_ was finally off-school for a week, and the two of them couldn't wait to get back into the swing of things.

So she'd sent off a text, just to confirm. An hour, then two, then three had passed, and Steven hadn't replied. Connie had taken it that in stride. They'd talked about this kind of thing. Sometimes Steven was busy with missions and Gem stuff, and he couldn't respond immediately. She couldn't just freak out, not like she had after the giant green space-hand. She understood, and respected that. But as the afternoon had worn on, and he still hadn't called, or texted, she'd began to get worried. Not just about whether or not she could still come over to his place- but about whether or not her friend ( _friends_ ) were in trouble.

Connie had kept her cell phone in her pocket all day, anxiously waiting for it to ring. During violin practice, during homework, throughout dinner, it had been there. When she showered, she'd even put it above the sink, in easy arm's reach. Eventually, it had grown late, and Mother had ordered her to bed. Connie had huddled beneath the covers with her flashlight, too distracted to focus on her book, waiting to see if Steven would finally respond. Eventually, the exhaustion of the long day had caught up with her, and she'd been forced to turn off the flashlight and go to sleep, praying that there would be a message for her when she woke up in the morning.

And thankfully, there was.

' _YES, PLEASE,'_ Steven had wrote. That first message had made her heart soar; not only was Steven safe, he still wanted her to come over. But there were other messages- and they simply served to confuse and intrigue her

' _Something weirds happened_ ,' Steven had written. Checking the time-mark, it had been nearly 11pm when he's sent it, which was kind of weird. Steven's schedule was way more erratic than her own, but the Gems did at least _try_ to enforce a regular bedtime.

 **'** _Better to explain in person,'_ he'd continued. _'But would like some help.'_

 _'Of course,_ ' Connie had texted back, as soon as she had read the messages. She rushed herself out of bed, wolfed down a quick (but hearty) breakfast, pulled on clothes that were fit for a fight, and grabbed her sword-training duffel-bag. By then, it wasn't even eight o'clock. Steven still hadn't respond.

 _'What's the problem, anyway?'_ she had texted him. _'I would like a heads up before I get there.'_

She'd waited five minutes to see if he'd text her back. He hadn't. Then, she'd gone to try and beg her Dad for a drive to Beach City. He hadn't exactly been happy to be pulled away from his newspaper and hot mug of coffee, but she gave the biggest, most pleading eyes she could muster, and he'd had no choice but to relent. They'd been out of the house by 8:30.

It was 9:10 now. Connie glanced out the window as they passed billboard with a cheery sea-gull happily proclaiming, 'WELCOME TO BEACH CITY'. She checked her phone again. Steven still hadn't replied to her text.

"Where do you want me to drop you off?" Dad asked. Connie started. She'd almost forgotten he was there.

"Uh…by the Big Donut, please."

Dad nodded, but gave her a look as he turned the corner. "Not buying anything there, are you?"

" _No_ , Dad," she told him. "I had a breakfast at home, remember? Toast, scrambled eggs and an apple."

"Right, good, good," he said. "Because your Mom doesn't want you eating junk food, remember."

"Trans fats. I know," Connie said, as the giant donut sign came into sight. They tried not to strain in her seat. They sat in silence for the remainder of the drive.

The car slowed, and pulled to the curb. Connie hurried to flick the lock, popped off her seat-belt, and flung the door open.

"Have fun, monkey!" her Dad shouted at her, before she could slam the door shut. Connie paused.

"Thanks, Dad," she replied. She waved at him, pushing a smile on her face as she (gently) closed the car door. She kept waving as the car pulled away, and only stopped watching once it had driven around the corner, safely out of sight.

 _What do Steven and the Gems need me for?_ she wondered as she pulled her sword out of the bag which hid it, sliding the weapon out of it's sheath. The blade glinted in the early morning sunlight as she slug it proudly over her shoulder. She steadied herself, and set off at a trot towards the beach. As she rounded the corner and came into sight of the Temple, she told herself it didn't really matter.

Whatever danger or threat they were up against, she was prepared for it.

oOoOoOo

 **Author's Note:** Yeeeesssh, finally some Connie! 3

On a more relevant note... it's probably going to be a while until my next update. I'm going on a family vacation in about a week's time, and I'm going to be without computer and internet access for an extended period. I'll still be writing, using the lost and ancient technology know as 'pens', but I won't be posting.

So hang in tight; story's not being abandoned by any means. And if it's any consolation, you'll all get to see the new SU episodes long before I do.


End file.
